The Three-peater

How do you know when you are talking to a Three-peater? Easy. All arguably profound statements must be stated in three parts. It doesn't matter if only one real point is being made, or six points. The rules of the universe clearly indicate that anything more or less than three points would result in a treacherous rip of the space-time continuum. Surely then all hell would break loose!

Boss-man is a serious three-peat offender. Here are the top three, er...four guidelines for a three peater, and Boss-man has used all of them in real-world examples:

1. If you have only one point to make, then make up shit for the other two. If someone calls BS on you, change the subject.
2. If you are chatting over IM and make four points to someone, make sure you number them 1, 2, 2, 3. They will never be the wiser!
3. When verbally using a three-peat, ALWAYS count them on your fingers reciting "numbah one, numbah too..." These special hand gestures and intonations will hypnotize your audience into agreement.
4. Upper management types love the three-peat explanation because it shows that you are both thoughtful and articulate.

Boss-man likes to follow biblical teachings, therefore I will reveal the true origin of his three-peat beliefs...from Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.’

And the Made-up Word of the Year 2006 Award Goes To...

Areeners. Areeners. It's safe to say that no other human has ever made this utterance.

Create your own saying!

"We don't want to be in a situation where we are chasing a dead horse."
--who...wha...huh?

This Moment in History...

More recorded utterances for future reference:

"It's 1:18...it's handwashing time." --I was too afraid to ask why

"Let's all go around the room, and everyone take a few minutes to give their thoughts and feedback." --oh, you mean like we just did?

"This is (insert first and last name here) from (insert company name here)" --as opposed to the other guy with the same name attending our regularly scheduled conference call?

Top 10 sayings

Ok, it's actually 11 including the 2 sound effects. Not sayings per se, but they are by far the most common utterances. This is not a definitive list, but certainly relevant. In fact, one could say it sums up the daily experience:

Just to set expectations
This stays here
This is strictly off the record
It's a debacle
I don't want to get fired
*sigh*
I apologize
I'm sorry
My bad
I'll take the blame for that
*sigh*

What kind of beef noodles do you have?

Do you know those kids who are so picky that they go to an ethnic restaurant (Mexican, Thai, Chinese, Indian, etc.) and just ask for a hamburger? Well, I was one of those kids, but I grew out of it like 25 years ago.

Bossman is a little challenged when it comes to food habits. He loves to eat out for lunch as long as one of the following items is on the menu:

Beef noodle soup
Fish tacos
Tator tots

Just think of the possibilities at Thanksgiving! "More fish taco?" "Oh, no thank you, I'm saving room for dessert! I've never had tator tot pie before!"

Say What?!

Here a few words uttered by boss man that have a curious, if not funny, interpration:

Nick Sweek: No, it's not a new teen heartthrob or American Idol finalist. Try next week.

Vultures: Look out, they are circling! Actually, they are just vouchers.

Fur: You want to eat what? Gross!! Oh, you mean vietnamese pho noodles.

I'm lift-handed: Wait...is that like being flat-footed? What's wrong with your hands? Yes, left is the operable word.

Personals Ad

Even though my boss is not single anymore, I decided to ghost write a personals ad for him just in case his current relationship doesn't work out:

Fun-loving, athletic, 6'4" SAM looking for female Michigan grad 24 - 34. Must have tattoo of Go Blue! on lower back. Current or former Bon Jovi groupie is a big plus. Come share my tator tots and ranch dressing - I have a second fork waiting for you!

Birth of an accent

Undoubtedly the first question to be answered is "why the title?" The short answer is that he has a Kennedy-esque Boston accent noticeable in words like data (pronounced "dater") and harbor (pronouced "hahbuh").

Now there's nothing wrong with a Boston accent, and it would be no fun if it ended there. It gets better. As a Hong Kong born immigrant who grew up in Michigan, he was taught english by a catholic nun from Boston. She must have been a good teacher because he never dropped some of those linguistic trademarks, but he apparently developed accent schizophrenia growing up around plant workers from lower appalachia along with your typical upper midwest types.

Since it might be difficult to realize the net effect of these influences, let me provide a hypothetical phone call as an example:
"Hello, this is ______. How are you? Oh, yaw! Um, did y'all get the dater I sent you? You called my cell phone? Oh, soary aboot that, I must've left it in the cah!"

As this is starting out as a minimalist blog, I'm not ready to put any sound bytes up. At some point I may have to do this as it would certainly enhance the experience.

About the boss

My boss (a great guy who will remain nameless to protect the innocent) has such an odd assortment of quirks, mannerisms, and "accent anomalies" that he really should be a new character on the tv show "The Office".

I find some of his antics so entertaining that it behooves me to blog them for posterity...whatever that means. This is definitely not meant to be mean spirited, just highly amusing. My coworker shares this view, and so I hope she will grace this blog with some of her more treasured boss moments worthy of "The Boss Agender".